Happy F-in New Years!

It is currently 6:37am and I haven't slept a wink.

I lay down and the water works start. Why is it the moment we said goodbye and hung up the phone all the feelings that decided to stay hidden since coming home unveiled themselves all at once.

The only time I feel like myself is at work when I have no room to stop and think about anything other than what I am supposed to be doing.

I hate driving in the car. The radio, no matter what station I go on whether it be country, Christian, Alternative or ROCK, they all have a song that makes me cry. Crying and driving are not a good mixture. I don't want to turn off the radio and drive in silence because then the thoughts in my head will drive me insane!

I feel so empty, but I feel like I had to think about my future security.

I just hate that I feel like I lost people who meant so much to me. They offered me their hospitality and I practically spit in their faces. I wasn't a very considerate friend and I am having to pay the price.

I am starting to think that Stephen was right when he said I am worthless. I just keep hurting the people who mean the most to me and that I care for very much. I try to make people happy and it all comes crashing down. It all spins out of control so fast. I don't know how to stop it. I just freeze up and do nothing.

I am hoping I can sleep now. I doubt it though. Sleep is not something my mind wants me to do anytime soon.