I seriously hate it...it feels awful.
I texted Bryan, no answer. I called Bryan, no answer. I get home and get on vent and he is in there with all his videogame buddies. I don't think it's a problem but I had a question for him and was completely ignored. It great that he has friends but still....am I no longer important? I mean I know I'm not his girlfriend anymore but still....has all his feelings about me gone away? I would think he would have at least had the decency to say "Busy, talk later" but no....instead, I get ignored.
It's great that he likes to play videogames but what else does he want with his life? Does he seem himself always supporting his mother and little brother? Does he see himself being successful? Will he look back on his life and regret not going out more with people....going to school....making that videogame he and Chuck are always talking about? Does he want to get married and start a family? Will he regret pushing me away?
I am not going to force him to talk to me...he'll talk to me when he is ready but still....i still love and care for him and I want him to be happy....and to still want me in his life one way or another.
I miss him and I am tired of being lonely :-(
Stars are my passion
Rina
- CrazyFluteLoop
- 25 year old, fun loving, talkative girl who enjoys writing down her opinions and thoughts.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Cause to Worry
I have always been one to worry about my little sister. Since she used to hang and talk with our old friend Drew and her saying things to him like "you make me want to kill myself" and such, I have always been a bit worried about her. Since knowing things she said to him at age 13, I have been keeping an eye out for her. She doesn't tell me or mom anything....if there is something bothering her, she doesn't tell anyone. She keeps it deep inside herself till she blows up. Whether it be in tears or attitude, but she never says anything to us.
Recently I was in her room and I found a notebook. I am very nosy and snoopy. If you had a little sister who in the past has told someone they make her want to kill herself, you would be worried too! I just keep an eye open to see if there is anything i need to keep an eye out for or to get her help with. Well I found this notebook and without reading it, I glanced thru it to see if there were any words that caught my eye that I should be worried about. I found one entry that talked about Suicide. I am not sure if she was quoting a movie or a song but that got me worried. When I got to the last page of her notebook she was talking about how much she misses her friend Ellie. Ellie is one person I have met that Kali can spill anything and everything to. Kali, in her notebook, talks about how much she feels like she is losing Ellie and that things aren't the same and how lonely she has been.
One thing I learned is that those who really do commit suicide don't tell anyone about it. They don't want any extra attention brought to them other than the strange cry for attention while shutting people out...it doesn't make sense but since Kali doesn't talk to me or mom, I had to talk to Ellie. Ellie expressed her worry to me and said that she is going to try to hang around Kali more this summer because in the fall, she moves to go to Sonoma State. I explained what I saw in the notebook and that I was scared because I didn't want anything to happen to my little sister. Ellie is going to talk to Kali gradually about her keeping journals, but not let her know I was snooping around. The last thing I want to happen is for my sister to not trust me ever again! I understand that is her privacy but I shouldn't have to worry about her like this.
She hasn't been sleeping well, she just seems so upset ALL THE TIME!! I just want her to be full of smiles and to be happy again!
That was on my mind and I needed to get it out before I headed to bed,
Until later
Rina
Recently I was in her room and I found a notebook. I am very nosy and snoopy. If you had a little sister who in the past has told someone they make her want to kill herself, you would be worried too! I just keep an eye open to see if there is anything i need to keep an eye out for or to get her help with. Well I found this notebook and without reading it, I glanced thru it to see if there were any words that caught my eye that I should be worried about. I found one entry that talked about Suicide. I am not sure if she was quoting a movie or a song but that got me worried. When I got to the last page of her notebook she was talking about how much she misses her friend Ellie. Ellie is one person I have met that Kali can spill anything and everything to. Kali, in her notebook, talks about how much she feels like she is losing Ellie and that things aren't the same and how lonely she has been.
One thing I learned is that those who really do commit suicide don't tell anyone about it. They don't want any extra attention brought to them other than the strange cry for attention while shutting people out...it doesn't make sense but since Kali doesn't talk to me or mom, I had to talk to Ellie. Ellie expressed her worry to me and said that she is going to try to hang around Kali more this summer because in the fall, she moves to go to Sonoma State. I explained what I saw in the notebook and that I was scared because I didn't want anything to happen to my little sister. Ellie is going to talk to Kali gradually about her keeping journals, but not let her know I was snooping around. The last thing I want to happen is for my sister to not trust me ever again! I understand that is her privacy but I shouldn't have to worry about her like this.
She hasn't been sleeping well, she just seems so upset ALL THE TIME!! I just want her to be full of smiles and to be happy again!
That was on my mind and I needed to get it out before I headed to bed,
Until later
Rina
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Reliving the Past
I was going through my old Xanga posts. I got so much more in depth when I was in high school than I do now.
I used to love to write. I wrote stories, I wrote journal entries...I wrote so much, but since changing majors to math and having professors in English make me feel like I am a horrible writer, I haven't had a desire to write. I still love to read but i stopped writing in journals, online...stories. Shouldn't professors encourage you rather than put you down? That is what happened....they put my writing down because each professor demanded a different writing style.
I also think the reason I don't get into depth anymore is because I am afraid of what might come pouring out from my mind to my fingers. High school was simple....i was a minor and I didn't have to worry about saying something that could affect my future. Now, I feel like anytime I try to think the way I want to think and to just be SORINA. I can't. I have to worry about did i say something wrong? Who will see this? Will it get me in trouble? What are the consequences? Shouldn't someone just feel comfortable to be themselves in their own space? That is what this blog is, my own space. I need to be able to freely open up and pour my heart and mind out. I need to be able to be ME and not have to worry about the consequences of thinking what i think! Like I said before, I doubt people really even read this...so I shouldn't have to worry about it getting into the wrong ears.
Ok....time to open up.....what can I open up about....
Yesterday I called and reported my boss for harassment. On Tuesday she tried to blackmail me and I didn't think that was right. So I called Human Relations and told them about it and that I had evidence. The assistant manager was in the office with me when this was said so I wrote what was said to me down and had the assistant sign it saying that she was a witness. The A.M. called me and asked what was up. I explained everything that happened and he asked what I would like to see happen. I said i didn't know if she is currently under a lot of stress or not but she needs to learn that are some things you can and cannot say to your employees. He agreed and said he would talk with her. I said I didn't want her to retaliate by cutting my hours and such. He said he would keep an eye on my hours and make sure I wasn't being shorted. I feel a little better about the situation. I am still nervous having to deal with her but I have a lot of coworkers who feel the same way and (i think) will back me up if anything else happens.
There...I opened up and said what i needed to say! There is more I need to say but those are regarding other subjects....and I will have to talk about them later.
Until later!
~Rina
I used to love to write. I wrote stories, I wrote journal entries...I wrote so much, but since changing majors to math and having professors in English make me feel like I am a horrible writer, I haven't had a desire to write. I still love to read but i stopped writing in journals, online...stories. Shouldn't professors encourage you rather than put you down? That is what happened....they put my writing down because each professor demanded a different writing style.
I also think the reason I don't get into depth anymore is because I am afraid of what might come pouring out from my mind to my fingers. High school was simple....i was a minor and I didn't have to worry about saying something that could affect my future. Now, I feel like anytime I try to think the way I want to think and to just be SORINA. I can't. I have to worry about did i say something wrong? Who will see this? Will it get me in trouble? What are the consequences? Shouldn't someone just feel comfortable to be themselves in their own space? That is what this blog is, my own space. I need to be able to freely open up and pour my heart and mind out. I need to be able to be ME and not have to worry about the consequences of thinking what i think! Like I said before, I doubt people really even read this...so I shouldn't have to worry about it getting into the wrong ears.
Ok....time to open up.....what can I open up about....
Yesterday I called and reported my boss for harassment. On Tuesday she tried to blackmail me and I didn't think that was right. So I called Human Relations and told them about it and that I had evidence. The assistant manager was in the office with me when this was said so I wrote what was said to me down and had the assistant sign it saying that she was a witness. The A.M. called me and asked what was up. I explained everything that happened and he asked what I would like to see happen. I said i didn't know if she is currently under a lot of stress or not but she needs to learn that are some things you can and cannot say to your employees. He agreed and said he would talk with her. I said I didn't want her to retaliate by cutting my hours and such. He said he would keep an eye on my hours and make sure I wasn't being shorted. I feel a little better about the situation. I am still nervous having to deal with her but I have a lot of coworkers who feel the same way and (i think) will back me up if anything else happens.
There...I opened up and said what i needed to say! There is more I need to say but those are regarding other subjects....and I will have to talk about them later.
Until later!
~Rina
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
25 Facts about me
1. I rarely drink soda, unless it comes with a meal, other than that, I only drink water
2. I am 23 years old and I still watch the Disney Channel. It's nice not having to worry about sex, drugs, body parts and swear words....and it's entertaining.
3. I am addicted to chewing gum
4. I have a fear of having bad breath
5. I wasn't officially introduced to video games till I met my ex-boyfriend Bryan/
6. In my life so far I have played 4 computer video games.
7. I used to have 2 imaginary friends, they were my "brothers" Erik, the oldest and Evan, my twin
8. I used to be obsessed with the name White Cherry for a horse when I was in grade school
9. I have never broken a bone, but i did sprain my ring finger on my left hand playing basketball in 6th grade and the nurse said i was fine, till it was 2 times it's size the next day
10. I met my ex-boyfriend Bryan, when i was 13 by accident, I was thinking i was talkin to a friend from school
11. I have had a crush on my ex-boyfriend, Bryan, since i was 13 but never thought it would work out, so i kept it a secret
12. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER, I used to come home after high school and eat it right out of the jar with a big glass of milk close at hand
13. I love the cold weather and rainy days, they remind me of days with my grandma
14. I like salt, butter, and parmasean cheese on my popcorn
15. I hate bugs...they scare the crap out of me, but snake are the coolest things ever
16. I hate free falling! I have that fear of falling so sky diving, Tower of Terror and Drop Zone are big NO NOs
17. I have seen every episode of Full House and cried for 2 days when it stopped
18. I always knew I was going to be a teacher, even at the age of 4 I was always playing teacher
19. I had one of the biggest imaginations when i was little, i could entertain myself with nothing
20. The scary thing is, I can still be easily entertained
21. When my mom was pregnant, she asked me if i wanted a sister or a brother, I said a sister, but when Kali was little and she would make me mad, I would tell her that i should have asked for a brother
22. I make friends with guys very easily, girls are too catty for my liking, except for the rare few, and those few are my very best of friends
23. my favorite board game is Life, and I don't own it, nor have I ever owned it
24. I have all the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and Britney Spears CDs and still enjoy listening to them from time to time
25. I would much rather help my friends and complete strangers achieve their goals instead of reaching for my own, because I'm afraid I will just disappoint myself.
2. I am 23 years old and I still watch the Disney Channel. It's nice not having to worry about sex, drugs, body parts and swear words....and it's entertaining.
3. I am addicted to chewing gum
4. I have a fear of having bad breath
5. I wasn't officially introduced to video games till I met my ex-boyfriend Bryan/
6. In my life so far I have played 4 computer video games.
7. I used to have 2 imaginary friends, they were my "brothers" Erik, the oldest and Evan, my twin
8. I used to be obsessed with the name White Cherry for a horse when I was in grade school
9. I have never broken a bone, but i did sprain my ring finger on my left hand playing basketball in 6th grade and the nurse said i was fine, till it was 2 times it's size the next day
10. I met my ex-boyfriend Bryan, when i was 13 by accident, I was thinking i was talkin to a friend from school
11. I have had a crush on my ex-boyfriend, Bryan, since i was 13 but never thought it would work out, so i kept it a secret
12. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER, I used to come home after high school and eat it right out of the jar with a big glass of milk close at hand
13. I love the cold weather and rainy days, they remind me of days with my grandma
14. I like salt, butter, and parmasean cheese on my popcorn
15. I hate bugs...they scare the crap out of me, but snake are the coolest things ever
16. I hate free falling! I have that fear of falling so sky diving, Tower of Terror and Drop Zone are big NO NOs
17. I have seen every episode of Full House and cried for 2 days when it stopped
18. I always knew I was going to be a teacher, even at the age of 4 I was always playing teacher
19. I had one of the biggest imaginations when i was little, i could entertain myself with nothing
20. The scary thing is, I can still be easily entertained
21. When my mom was pregnant, she asked me if i wanted a sister or a brother, I said a sister, but when Kali was little and she would make me mad, I would tell her that i should have asked for a brother
22. I make friends with guys very easily, girls are too catty for my liking, except for the rare few, and those few are my very best of friends
23. my favorite board game is Life, and I don't own it, nor have I ever owned it
24. I have all the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and Britney Spears CDs and still enjoy listening to them from time to time
25. I would much rather help my friends and complete strangers achieve their goals instead of reaching for my own, because I'm afraid I will just disappoint myself.
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