Happy F-in New Years!

It is currently 6:37am and I haven't slept a wink.

I lay down and the water works start. Why is it the moment we said goodbye and hung up the phone all the feelings that decided to stay hidden since coming home unveiled themselves all at once.

The only time I feel like myself is at work when I have no room to stop and think about anything other than what I am supposed to be doing.

I hate driving in the car. The radio, no matter what station I go on whether it be country, Christian, Alternative or ROCK, they all have a song that makes me cry. Crying and driving are not a good mixture. I don't want to turn off the radio and drive in silence because then the thoughts in my head will drive me insane!

I feel so empty, but I feel like I had to think about my future security.

I just hate that I feel like I lost people who meant so much to me. They offered me their hospitality and I practically spit in their faces. I wasn't a very considerate friend and I am having to pay the price.

I am starting to think that Stephen was right when he said I am worthless. I just keep hurting the people who mean the most to me and that I care for very much. I try to make people happy and it all comes crashing down. It all spins out of control so fast. I don't know how to stop it. I just freeze up and do nothing.

I am hoping I can sleep now. I doubt it though. Sleep is not something my mind wants me to do anytime soon.

Merry Christmas

Today was interesting. I officially hate Christmas on Sundays. We feel more rushed than usual because we had church during the time we usually have a big breakfast and open gifts. We usually are done with gift opening before 11am. We didn't get to the gifts till after noon today and we still have to get all the tables together and food made for when the family comes over in 2 hours! GAH! No breaks for me today!

I got a Kindle from "Santa". I will say that I am a little disappointed. I love books, but I never expressed an interest in a Kindle. I feel like Kindles and Nooks will be the downfall of paper books and publishing companies and I hate to think that. I did, however, express that I wanted a new stereo, one that could play my ipod as well as CDs and the radio. I didn't get that. Looks like I will be saving up the money to get it myself. I was actually hoping that I would get that this Christmas.

Now I feel like a spoiled brat. Ugh! OK well I need to go help the family with setting up and making the mashed potatoes.

Merry Christmas

Money is always needed

Around Christmas I always wish that I made more money, won the lottery, or just got more hours.

With the possibility of moving to Texas within the next few months, I am tripping out on not having things paid off and wanting to have enough money to move my things.

I have so many worries about moving to Texas.

1) What if Bryan and I can't find jobs in a timely manner? Ashely and Chuck will soon be sick of us and I don't want to feel like I am leeching off their good graces.I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of their hospitality.

2) I have never lived on my own or had to pay to live before. I know I have to learn sometime but I always imagined living in the same city as my parents so that if anything happened and I couldn't pay, I would have somewhere to run. If i move, this will no longer be the case. I know Bryan will be there to help pay, but still, it's a scary thought.

3) I know that I have other friends in the area but they are all married. Ashley and Chuck are wanting to start a family soon. I just feel like I am so behind with all my friends.

4) What if Bryan and I don't work out? I am thinking that when i get there and get a job, I will have a savings account for if anything happens, I will have money to move back, or on my own. I know Bryan said he will help me IF, by some chance, we DO break up, but I don't want to rely on him for much after a break up. :-( I think it would be too painful

5) number 4 scares the stuff out of me. I don't want to go out there only to break up. :-(

Still have to talk to Grandpa. Then we have to have a big family meeting before anything is confirmed on if I am going or not. My parents and my grandpa are very wise people and I like to hear what they have to say. They love me and they only want what is best for me. But I do need to point out that Bryan has pursued me, not the other way around. I have been very cautious in everything i do and say towards him.

I am hoping that my cautiousness will disappear when I see him. I hope that everything will be alright once I am in his arms again. But for now, I am very numb to my feelings. Before the break up I would have done anything for him. I was head over heels for him. And it took me MONTHS to veil those feelings after the break up. I tell him I love him because there is no doubt that I love him. That veil have made those feelings so shallow and I hope that seeing him again will make them undeniably deep and I can love him the same way I loved him before.

I am wide awake and it's 4:30am. I had to write something down to get it out of my mind. Alright, time to get back to my book. It is December 12th and I have to read 5 books before the 31st in order to reach my goal! I can do this. I need to focus!

Hopefully again soon,
Rina

A turn for the Good? or undecided?

Wow. A lot has happened in the last couple days. Well, Bryan messaged me on Monday saying that he had a bad dream. I asked him about it and he said that he dreamed that he and I were living together and I came home late one night drunk saying that I was horny because I had been fooling around with one of my guy friends. I asked him if he was feeling like he was losing me and that sparked a whole conversation. He mentioned that he never wanted to break up but felt that that is what he had to do to get me out of my childish mentality. There was more to it but I would like to keep that between us. Needless to say he had told a female coworker that I used to be puddy in his hands, head over heels for him and he just threw me out like yesterday's trash. Then he asked what he could do make me come back around since he has me by a tearing thread. I thought that was unlike him to say such things considering he doesn't like to talk about how he feels. But kinda sweet in a weird way.

He has been trying. I told him I need to see the effort and that he REALLY wants to be back with me. He told me he loves me for the first time yesterday since I left in January. I held off saying it to him till the evening. I do love him, but with the things he said to me and did to me I am not sure if I should be upset or not. When I said I didn't want to get hurt again he said we can just leave it open, he will visit me, and I will visit him and we will see where it goes.

I am scared. I want to be back with him but he is SO STUBBORN. He doesn't realize that there are times when all i want to do is spend time with him. He talks about not watching chick flicks with me and all that stuff. I donno. I am holding him at an arms distance right now. I really have to better myself before I worry about another person again. I am glad that he is giving me the space to make the decision as well as see where things go. This isn't the first time he has done this. His patience in that area amazes me.

Needless to say, I feel confused at times and have been a mix of emotions lately. I have been feeling like I was lied to and wanted to cry to extremely happy and giddy. I can definitely tell that my feelings for him are not gone. They have dampened a bit and he needs to work to dry them. But it feels so good to hear the words "I love you" come from his mouth again.

Ok well I am going to watch some Shaytards and then head to bed.
Good night

Discouraged

Last week I was crazy busy along with getting very little sleep but I needed to get at least 2 workouts in a week. There wasn't Bootcamp so Kali and I had to join the Cross Fit class of that morning. The instructor ended up changing the workout for us because we were bootcampers and wanted us to do as many as we could in a certain amount of time. I did 3 rounds and then when he said we had 5 minutes left I went to him and said I was going to stop at 3 because of being exhausted. He seemed to get really upset that I was going to stop. As it is I am still sore from Saturday's workout.

I went to talk to the owner's wife today in order to get my measurements and she said she had to talk to me about Saturday. Apparently "people overheard" me tell him I was going to stop. He was right in front of me and Kali was the only one near me AND the music was blaring. So no, i don't think anyone else heard, I think he just ran his mouth or over-exaggerated. She said that to just give up and tell the instructor you were going to stop was extremely disrespectful. Then she said that since they are a tight-knitted group, things get around. So all i'm hearing is 1) The instructor doesn't like me and thinks that i was deliberately disrespecting him and 2) people who DON"T EVEN KNOW ME are talking badly about me.

This is the WORST way to get me motivated. This is the WORST WAY to make me want to continue working out there. As it is I have vowed to never go and work out there on a Saturday with that instructor ever again. I can't believe this.

Not only that but I got my measurements today and she didn't even seem proud of me. All she talked about was things I need to change :-( What the hell?! I know she is there to help me but at least tell me that I am doing a good job! Apparently I have to change my diet again and have LESS carbs! UGH! It's so hard to make food and take it with me on certain days....I don't know what to do.

I feel extremely discouraged and enraged and all I want to do is go cry in bed. I don't know what to do...

Ok seriously

School just started and I feel like I don't even have time to just BREATHE! Here is my schedule

Monday- Wake up 4:30am, workout 5:30-6:30am, come home, shower, make breakfast, get food together for the day, get dressed, gather things for school, go to school 11-3pm, drive home, eat something, lay down for an hour, get up and go to work 6-close, come home and crash in my bed

Tuesday- Wake at 7:30am, get ready, go to school, at school till 3pm, get home to quickly grab all my stuff for work, work 4:30-8:30pm but they usually have me stay later, come home, get some reading in, check email, get food, crash in my bed.

Wednesday is similar to Monday's schedule but I actually have the day off in order to rest up and get homework done. I would have done homework last night but it was Jessica's last night in the United States cuz she leaves today to go back to Sweden. I had to visit with her!

Today is like Tuesday but I don't have to go straight to work. I don't have to work till 6:15 but I still close.

Friday is like Monday except this Friday I am leaving super early in the morning with my dad to go fishing in Monterey! I am super excited! I haven't gotten to spend time with just dad since October of last year! It's going to be a nice Daddy/Daughter Day! Yay!

Then Saturday the whole family is coming over for a BBQ and swimming. My Oakdale friends are coming over to visit, grub and jump in! I can't wait. This is going to be the first time we have all REALLY gotten to hang out in almost 2 years!! I can't wait.

I have church on Sunday and I close. Closing is going to suck SO bad on Sunday because EVERYONE is off on Monday. Luckily I get to sleep in on Monday so it won't feel as bad but I will still have to work that evening. UGH!

I wanted to write about everything going on with my workout but I never have the time. I can say that I am officially fitting in my size 24 pants! YAY! People keep saying that my face looks slimmer and I look like i have lost weight. I am going to post some pictures!!


This is me and Mom on Friday July 29th. Look at my face.


This is me after 3 weeks of Crossfit! I took this Tuesday August 23!


I just love this picture. My face looks like it is slimming down!!

I know i haven't typed about my workouts but I would say these pictures are evidence that something is working :-)

Until i have a brief moment to type again
Rina

Days are slipping past

My days are all blurred together! It's been hard to get a chance to sit down and write when I have been so exhausted from working out and then work this weekend. I am hoping I will get a chance to write tonight....if not, then tomorrow.

Day one of Bootcamp

So Crysta didn't wake up in time for us to go to Crossfit on Monday so we ended up going this morning.

Started out with Tebata warm ups which is 6 rounds of doing a certain workout for 30 seconds with a 10 second rest between each round. WE did sit ups, lunges, squats, and push ups. Then we did at your own pace for 15 minutes 15 SDHP, which is where you pick up a kettlebell from the ground with both hands stand up straight, bring it to your chest and then bring it back to the ground. Works the arms as well as the hip muscles. Then 20 Kettle Bell swings which is where you hold the kettle bell with both hands between your legs and swing it high above your head and then bring it back down. 25 box jumps, since i can't do box jumps just yet, I did step ups. And then 30 punches on the punching bag.

I got through one round fine, second round I took a couple breathers and then my last round was the hardest. I was having trouble breathing and i felt like I was going to be sick. I didn't want to end with not finishing the round i started. So Crysta grabbed her kettle bell and worked through the last round with me. Another lady who was in the class with us, Sonja, stood next to me encouraging me to push it to the end. I ended up only doing 10 step ups on the box instead of 25 on the last round but i completed the 3rd round. I was tired and shaky but it felt so good to finish up.

It means so much to me that Crysta and a lady I didn't even know would stay next to me when they could be cleaning up and putting things away in order to help me push through my last round. It felt good to know that no matter how much I struggle through this journey to fitness, and there will be loads of struggles, I will have at least one person by my side to help push me through it and not abandon me. It meant so much that Crysta would finish with me even though she had already finished her round. It's nice to know someone believes in me even when I am too tired to continue believing in myself. <3

Another workout in the morning! This is going to be interesting!

Tomorrow turns over a new leaf

Tomorrow begins my new journey to fitness! I am both excited and scared. I don't know what to think. I know that this is going to push me in order to maintain a schedule and to keep me motivated, but it's going to be hard work and I'm not talking "Marching Band" hard...but I mean, I was able to handle Marching Band for 4 years, I think i can handle this.

I haven't been eating super healthy this weekend. Mom and Dad have been away so Kali and I have been making simple, unhealthy meals.

I have a meeting with one of the trainers on Wednesday to figure out portion sizes and what foods i can eat and what I have to lay off. Excited and nervous again...i like to eat...that is why i look the way I do...so it's time to change my likes.

Anyways I am looking at the time and it's 10pm,  i have to be up at 4:45am. It's time to get off here and head to bed! Time to get my workout on in the morning!!!

Until tomorrow after my workout!
Sorina

Taking a step in the right direction

Wednesday I went into Crossfit Modesto to talk to the owner. Crysta has been going there since March (?) and has lost well over 50 pounds since being there. I joined her for Friend Week as soon as school ended for 3 days at the Bootcamp class. It was hard work but I enjoyed it by the end of the week. Grandpa mentioned how he noticed that I seemed more happy and active. He said if I were interested in joining, he would pay for it.

So on Wednesday, I went in while Crysta was working in the office and talked to the owner, Mike Choate. He gave me the paperwork that had the class schedules as well as the pricing. I was looking at the pricing for 3 days a week for the 6 week program. What was originally going to be over $225, he changed it because I am a student as well as Crysta's friend and I could get the 6 week program for $179. They have another option where I can sign up for 4 months and only have to pay $100 a month. I said I would like to try out the 6 week program and then decide where I want to go from there.

Wednesday night I went to a seminar offered by the Owner's wife that was talking about getting motivated and setting goals. I learned that it's the negative thoughts that make you hate something or not enjoy something. So no matter what, through my strenuous workouts I need to keep positive thoughts going through my head to keep me as motivated as possible.

My Mantra: Keep pushing!
My Workout words: One more!

My goal: I want to be back down to a size 14-16 by New Years! I want a whole new start for year 2012!

This blog is going to be a rant when I need it but I also want to have it as my thoughts and struggles through this transformation. I can do it! I know I can and I am going to give my 110% in order to reach my goal! I can do it!! I can!

I start Monday! So I am thinking I will have words on Monday regarding my workout! This is going to be a challenge but I'm willing to face it!

Until Monday!!
Rina

When you apologize, MEAN IT!

The following is a message i received from Stephen on facebook. The bolded commentary in ( ) is my words i wish i could tell him:

Hey Sorina, I just wanted to apoligize (for someone who likes to sounds so smart I can't believe you misspelled this word) personally (since when is messaging me on facebook PERSONAL?) for how harshly I described you. It was not appropriate to do as I did on your vacation and I should have waited until you got back ( Oh wait, you were going to wait till i got back to insult me and hurt me? Wow classy -.-). I feel bad that it hurt you as it did and that is in its essence what I am apologizing for: hurting you badly, probably worse than I intended ( So you are saying you were meaning to hurt me no matter what? Seriously, how much of an ass can you be?). I just wanted to get a point across that I did not think would stick otherwise (did you even try to put it in another way? NO! You were focused on you!). You can be a very nice, sweet person, as I saw when you brought Penny flowers (wow, you dated me for crying out loud! You just now see that I can be sweet?! Why the HELL did you date me and ask me to come visit all the time if you thought so little of me!). I know you prob wont care for me to be back in the friend group but I hope this apology helps in that way. (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? This isn't an apology at all...you feel bad for making a girl cry...end of story! You feel NO regret for the things you said about me! You even told Crysta that you meant them! How dare you try to make up a sorry excuse for an apology and still insult me and put me down!)

So yea....that is what I had to come home to today. And then he tries to readd me on facebook.

Learn to apologize to my FREAKING FACE, then maybe i'll consider it.
Asshole.
A very upset Rina

Books are my favorite pastime!

I love books! I have them everywhere!! I need to get a few bookcases because on my account on goodreads.com i have over 300 books in my to-read alone... My friends, Anna, Sarah, and I all swap books so I have 3 bags full from Anna of books and a few others from Sarah.

I just finished reading this book called The Cupcake Queen. I originally bought it at a Scholastic bookfair. That means it was written mainly for kids in Junior high. Though it was for a younger crowd, it was a very good book. I liked how it was clean and sweet. It's lesson was to not hold on to the past. Even though life will surprise you when you least expect it, don't dwell on the past because it won't help you to advance in life and see what is really around you.

I just picked up this book from my friend Anna called Poison. She absolutely loves the author so she says it is good...my friend Jesus, however, said it was terrible. I like to make my own judgement on books. I am only in the book by a few pages because I fell asleep with my face IN the book last night but because I have so many books, I am trying to read thru them as quickly as possible.

Looking over my schedule for next semester, if I am not filling in my spare time with studying (which is a possibility starting a few weeks into the semester) Then I have decided I will be reading. I need to get thru these books so i can get more to read :-)

I love to read!
OK well I should be getting ready for church but I had this sudden craving to type....and in large quantities...SOOOOOO.....this is the production of that craving.

Until later,
ME

Feeling Forgotten

So I feel like Crysta has forgotten about me. I hardly ever get texts from her anymore...i always seem to start the texts...she answers but it doesn't seem like I am top in her mind anymore.

She talks about making plans but then when I am free, she is in Turlock playing some game called ShadowRun with Stephen. :-/ I just don't get it. When my friends and I talk about games we play she says that it is a complete waste of time yet spending hours upon hours on Sundays is alright to go and play ShadowRun? Doesn't seem right to me...

On to another note, things at work have picked up. We had a supervisor come in on Friday, pick up her paycheck and say "See ya, I QUIT!" and left. She was supposed to do the prep that day. So since then, I have been helping out on prep and I finally have over 20 hours next week! So I work Monday and Tuesday, I am going to Discovery Kingdom on Wednesday then work Thursday and Friday, my cousins wedding is Friday evening and then work Saturday and then Sunday I have church and I get to hang with JASON. This is his last time in town till THANKSGIVING!

I am so thankful for Skype. It makes it so easy to keep in contact with friends all over the world. Jessica is in Sweden and I get to talk to her. Nicole is in Guam...I can't wait till she gets back. I get to talk to Sarah when she is in Spain and talk to Jason as he is in Fresno. It's just a great thing :-)

OK well thir wasn't a rant or anything angry...just felt like typing :-)
until later,
Sorina

And the loneliness begins...

On Saturday I went and talked with my friend about everything that has been going on.

I asked her why she had to tell me all this information ON my grandpa's birthday and when i wasn't home. She said she wanted to wait until I got home to sit down and talk it all over with me but Stephen wasn't liking that all she was doing was thinking about me and my feelings and he sat her down and told her to that she had to tell me, right then and there. I used to date him and he doesn't back down...he is insanely persistent.

I asked her why she agreed with him calling me malicious, vindictive and petty and she said, "He called you WHAT?!" Her jaw was set and you can tell she wasn't happy. She said that if she had known, she would have given him a strong tongue lashing. Then she told me that he was telling her that i was saying some pretty mean things about her that made her sound like a tramp. I explained that I would never do something like that and he twisted things that i said around!

Mom thinks that he is trying to drive a wedge between us. She and I have a very strong bond and it's like he is jealous of that so he is trying to tear us apart...

I haven't seen her since Saturday, I tried asking if she was free at all tonight....she usually texts me right back. Well i just texted her a few minutes ago...9pm and she says Stephen is over and they are making dinner for her mom. UGH! This is why I can't stand my friends getting boyfriends! I get forgotten and i bloody HATE IT!

I know I'm sounding like a jealous person....yes I have jealousy issues :-( but seriously! He isn't who he says he is....I am having a very hard time knowing he is only a ten minute drive away. I want to drive over there and hit him so hard his freaking BRAIN rattles in his head!

I can't stand being so full of this anger ALL THE TIME! I don't have a vent anymore. She was my vent....but no girl wants to hear her best friend BASH her boyfriend. So thank goodness for books. They will be my best friends from now on!

UGH!

I AM SO SICK OF THIS!

What kind of friend goes after her best friends' ex boyfriend? What kind of friend, knowing that her best friend cares about this boy so much and STILL goes out with him after talking to him for THREE FREAKING DAYS?!

I am SO SICK of being a second rate friend! I am so sick of being shoved aside...It's like my feelings don't matter! Does she not even care? I finally move on like she told me to and this is what happens? She falls for him instead?! Not only that but 4 days before, he had his arm around me and was holding my hand and hinting he wanted to kiss me and told me he wanted to lose his freaking virginity to me?! What the hell?!?! He played me....played me good and then turns around and says there is NO chance of us ever getting back together and he called me vindictive (meaning revengeful), petty (meaning i am narrow minded) and malicious (meaning i am full of malice). I have never been these things nor will i ever! The only thing that could be the closest to describing me would be petty. But even that is harsh!

Is he so desperate to tear us apart? The thing that hurts me the most is when i told her that he was saying some mean things she said he was telling me the truth. Ow! That is like a slap across the face. If you agree with him about all of those why are you my friend? Those are hateful words. How could you say something like that to me.

The worst part....the WORST PART, is that it is like walking on egg shells with you now! Everything i say is suddenly an "attack" on you! Why can't we just be the way we were, without him....he is ruining EVERYTHING!

It's so sad that I had to have someone say "He wears more masks than at a freaking Masquerade" to finally realize how FAKE he is! He alters his attitude and personality to fit the person who is interested in him! Did i even date the REAL him? I can guarantee that he is just playing you. You are way experienced and he is at the point where he WANTS to lose his virginity, he also now knows that you get crazy flirty and horny when you are drunk. He flat out admitted to me he wants to experience a blow job and losing his virginity.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Who is Stephen Gregory Woods? Definitely not the guy either of us are looking at. He is different with each person he encounters.

I just want our friendship back! I am tired of shedding tears! I am tired of being hurt by people. I am starting to think my only options is to keep moving....and stick with my books. It's safer that way. I just don't see how she could disrespect my feelings in a way that she goes behind my back to date him! I need to find myself some girls who are married....and happily married! Then maybe i won't have to worry about pain....

Why is it that it takes extreme measures to push me over the edge to write all my thoughts and feelings down? When i finally feel like there is no where else to turn, i turn to writing it all down. It feels so good to write things down, i don't know why I avoid it and save it to the last possible option.

On a good note. I got to hang with Anna yesterday, got to talk to Sarah and Jason and today I got to talk to Brad for the first time in YEARS! Poor guy....he also is dealing with a break up.

OK i think i am calming down....I need to dry my tears, wipe my face, put on a, what i hope to be, convincing smile and get ready for work.

Until i get another outburst of frustration. Hopefully it won't take that to get me writing again.
Sorina

So far, I hate 2011

This year is the year of heartbreak and pain! It's not a fun year AT ALL! Can i just pull a Sleeping Beauty and sleep until the clock strikes 12am on January 1, 2012?

Not wanting to go into detail....eventually....maybe....i'll talk about it later...

It's not a Toy!

My heart is not a toy! You can't just lead me on and then stop talking to me!! You can't just play with me like I don't have feelings!

I am not going to sit here and wait for you to grow up and decide if you want me or not.

You may not think so, but I am worth SO much more than that! I can finally admit that.

I enjoy having you as a friend but I think it's time I move on. You can't seem to make up your mind.

I am tired of this feeling of not being wanted and alone!

I love you. I will still talk to u in vent and respond to text messages if you so choose to send them, but this is me stepping back. It's time for me to move on and be happy again!

I am finally embracing the change I have been looking for! I am going to get myself healthy and fit! I am going to focus on school! If my path happens to cross your's again, then we will see what happens. I am going to take care of me first. Selfish, sure, it might sound like that but I am setting my foundations for a good life.

So, knowing you will never read this and I don't have the guts to tell you this....
Good-bye

Spontaneous Adventures

Today was a blast!!

Crysta texted me as I was getting off work and was seeing what I was up to. I told her I was getting off work and wanted to see what was up. She said she found a car that she had enough money to get and would like to go see it but it was a crazy favor and she didn't want to ask. I asked what it was and she was like "I was going to see if you wanted to take a trip to Sacramento so I can see the car" I said that I was totally up for a spontaneous adventure and that we should go. So while I went home to change, she was calling the guy to get his address so we could go by and see the car. When I picked her up, she hadn't been able to get ahold of him and I said that I still wanted to go and that I haven't gotten to see Old Town Sacramento. She said that there was this awesome costume shop there called Evangeline's. So she went back in the house to get the address and then we were on our merry way.


Mind you, we left at 4pm. We got to Old town Sac and parked and walked around. It was so cool! The roads were cobblestone and I felt like I went back to the past! We went into the Costume Shop, which they call the Costume Mansion. Each room had a different theme. Downstairs was all nicknacks, the second floor had a room for vampire and gothic look, another room for Renaissance, Roman and Gypsy garb. Another room of Armed Forces and jungle and doctor and safety personnel. It was awesome! Then we got up to the top floor and it was all Disney Fairies, school girl, Disco, 50's, Angels and Devils and clowns! This place was amazing!! Definitely a place I would go to to get all the finishing touches on a Halloween costume. We walked around thru some of the pretty little parks in between buildings and even saw some places that Ghost Adventures filmed at!! It would have been cool if they were there while I was there! After we finished walking around, we went to Candy Heaven and I got dark chocolate covered cranberries and lots of saltwater taffy! I don't even remember all the different flavors I picked up. Pomegranate, Raspberry Lemonade, Orange, Strawberry Cheesecake, Bubblegum, Fruit Punch, Tutti Fruity, Passion Fruit....gosh I can't remember them all but they had a TON of flavors. I got one or 2 of each of the flavors I wanted to try, we checked out and then went back to the car.


I took this picture of Crysta while we were exploring Old Town Sac. I took the liberty to have fun with it. I think it looks well taken. Can't tell it was taking by my phone.

By this time we were hungry and I knew that since we were in Sacramento, we were close to Davis. I asked Crysta if she were up for Thai food. She said sure. So we drove the 20 minutes to get to the Thai Restaurant. It was called Thai Nakorn. I had been there with Sarah when I went to spend the night with her and I loved the food there. I wanted Crysta to try it. We ordered the Lemon Chicken, which was fried chicken with this thick, sweet lemon sauce on top of fried spinach, and we also ordered a Broccoli Dish that was sauteed broccoli, carrots and chicken with this delicious garlic sauce. After we finished I asked Crysta what she thought of the food and she said that was definitely something she would go back to Davis for. When we were finished with dinner, we didn't want to go home but didn't know what to do so we decided to drive to San Francisco.

We left Davis at almost 9pm and got to San Francisco at about 10:30pm. We stopped to fill up the gas tank and to empty our bladders. I know, that is not something one usually writes in their blog but i thought it sounded funny! We sang and danced to the random songs that came on the radio. Let me just say, driving in San Francisco is freaky!! Though, the longer I was in the city, the more comfortable I became with driving around there. I am just glad we drove around in the night time rather than the day when the roads are busy and hectic. We drove down Lombard Street and Crysta thought that was the coolest thing ever. I decided to try to find my way over to the KOIT Tower so she can see San Francisco from up high at night. It was such a beautiful sight! She liked the view but not the cold weather. We then went hunting for the beautiful church we saw from the Tower. Get this, the church's address was 666 Francis St. or something like that. I just thought the street number was funny and ironic. After that we decided it was time to make our way home.


This is a horrible picture but it's an idea of the night view of San Francisco from the KOIT Tower.


This is the cool church. I couldn't stop and take an appropriate picture because there was no place to stop, so I took this from my sunroof in my car.

Overall I had a wonderful day!! I know she enjoyed getting out of the 209 as much as I did! I like taking random spontaneous adventures!!! We hope our next adventure takes us to the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose! That would be fun!! Then to the BEACH!

Well, I am fully satisfied that I finally had something fun and exciting to write about! Can't wait for a summer full of random adventures and lots of stories to tell!!

Time for bed, have to be at work at 10:30 in the morning,
Until Later
Sorina

I hate feeling replaced

I seriously hate it...it feels awful.

I texted Bryan, no answer. I called Bryan, no answer. I get home and get on vent and he is in there with all his videogame buddies. I don't think it's a problem but I had a question for him and was completely ignored. It great that he has friends but still....am I no longer important? I mean I know I'm not his girlfriend anymore but still....has all his feelings about me gone away? I would think he would have at least had the decency to say "Busy, talk later" but no....instead, I get ignored.

It's great that he likes to play videogames but what else does he want with his life? Does he seem himself always supporting his mother and little brother? Does he see himself being successful? Will he look back on his life and regret not going out more with people....going to school....making that videogame he and Chuck are always talking about? Does he want to get married and start a family? Will he regret pushing me away?

I am not going to force him to talk to me...he'll talk to me when he is ready but still....i still love and care for him and I want him to be happy....and to still want me in his life one way or another.

I miss him and I am tired of being lonely :-(

Cause to Worry

I have always been one to worry about my little sister. Since she used to hang and talk with our old friend Drew and her saying things to him like "you make me want to kill myself" and such, I have always been a bit worried about her. Since knowing things she said to him at age 13, I have been keeping an eye out for her. She doesn't tell me or mom anything....if there is something bothering her, she doesn't tell anyone. She keeps it deep inside herself till she blows up. Whether it be in tears or attitude, but she never says anything to us.

Recently I was in her room and I found a notebook. I am very nosy and snoopy. If you had a little sister who in the past has told someone they make her want to kill herself, you would be worried too! I just keep an eye open to see if there is anything i need to keep an eye out for or to get her help with. Well I found this notebook and without reading it, I glanced thru it to see if there were any words that caught my eye that I should be worried about. I found one entry that talked about Suicide. I am not sure if she was quoting a movie or a song but that got me worried. When I got to the last page of her notebook she was talking about how much she misses her friend Ellie. Ellie is one person I have met that Kali can spill anything and everything to. Kali, in her notebook, talks about how much she feels like she is losing Ellie and that things aren't the same and how lonely she has been.

One thing I learned is that those who really do commit suicide don't tell anyone about it. They don't want any extra attention brought to them other than the strange cry for attention while shutting people out...it doesn't make sense but since Kali doesn't talk to me or mom, I had to talk to Ellie. Ellie expressed her worry to me and said that she is going to try to hang around Kali more this summer because in the fall, she moves to go to Sonoma State. I explained what I saw in the notebook and that I was scared because I didn't want anything to happen to my little sister. Ellie is going to talk to Kali gradually about her keeping journals, but not let her know I was snooping around. The last thing I want to happen is for my sister to not trust me ever again! I understand that is her privacy but I shouldn't have to worry about her like this.

She hasn't been sleeping well, she just seems so upset ALL THE TIME!! I just want her to be full of smiles and to be happy again!

That was on my mind and I needed to get it out before I headed to bed,
Until later
Rina

Reliving the Past

I was going through my old Xanga posts. I got so much more in depth when I was in high school than I do now.

I used to love to write. I wrote stories, I wrote journal entries...I wrote so much, but since changing majors to math and having professors in English make me feel like I am a horrible writer, I haven't had a desire to write. I still love to read but i stopped writing in journals, online...stories. Shouldn't professors encourage you rather than put you down? That is what happened....they put my writing down because each professor demanded a different writing style.

I also think the reason I don't get into depth anymore is because I am afraid of what might come pouring out from my mind to my fingers. High school was simple....i was a minor and I didn't have to worry about saying something that could affect my future. Now, I feel like anytime I try to think the way I want to think and to just be SORINA. I can't. I have to worry about did i say something wrong? Who will see this? Will it get me in trouble? What are the consequences? Shouldn't someone just feel comfortable to be themselves in their own space? That is what this blog is, my own space. I need to be able to freely open up and pour my heart and mind out. I need to be able to be ME and not have to worry about the consequences of thinking what i think! Like I said before, I doubt people really even read this...so I shouldn't have to worry about it getting into the wrong ears.

Ok....time to open up.....what can I open up about....

Yesterday I called and reported my boss for harassment. On Tuesday she tried to blackmail me and I didn't think that was right. So I called Human Relations and told them about it and that I had evidence. The assistant manager was in the office with me when this was said so I wrote what was said to me down and had the assistant sign it saying that she was a witness. The A.M. called me and asked what was up. I explained everything that happened and he asked what I would like to see happen. I said i didn't know if she is currently under a lot of stress or not but she needs to learn that are some things you can and cannot say to your employees. He agreed and said he would talk with her. I said I didn't want her to retaliate by cutting my hours and such. He said he would keep an eye on my hours and make sure I wasn't being shorted. I feel a little better about the situation. I am still nervous having to deal with her but I have a lot of coworkers who feel the same way and (i think) will back me up if anything else happens.

There...I opened up and said what i needed to say! There is more I need to say but those are regarding other subjects....and I will have to talk about them later.
Until later!
~Rina

25 Facts about me

1. I rarely drink soda, unless it comes with a meal, other than that, I only drink water
2. I am 23 years old and I still watch the Disney Channel. It's nice not having to worry about sex, drugs, body parts and swear words....and it's entertaining.
3. I am addicted to chewing gum
4. I have a fear of having bad breath
5. I wasn't officially introduced to video games till I met my ex-boyfriend Bryan/
6. In my life so far I have played 4 computer video games.
7. I used to have 2 imaginary friends, they were my "brothers" Erik, the oldest and Evan, my twin
8. I used to be obsessed with the name White Cherry for a horse when I was in grade school
9. I have never broken a bone, but i did sprain my ring finger on my left hand playing basketball in 6th grade and the nurse said i was fine, till it was 2 times it's size the next day
10. I met my ex-boyfriend Bryan, when i was 13 by accident, I was thinking i was talkin to a friend from school
11. I have had a crush on my ex-boyfriend, Bryan, since i was 13 but never thought it would work out, so i kept it a secret
12. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER, I used to come home after high school and eat it right out of the jar with a big glass of milk close at hand
13. I love the cold weather and rainy days, they remind me of days with my grandma
14. I like salt, butter, and parmasean cheese on my popcorn
15. I hate bugs...they scare the crap out of me, but snake are the coolest things ever
16. I hate free falling! I have that fear of falling so sky diving, Tower of Terror and Drop Zone are big NO NOs
17. I have seen every episode of Full House and cried for 2 days when it stopped
18. I always knew I was going to be a teacher, even at the age of 4 I was always playing teacher
19. I had one of the biggest imaginations when i was little, i could entertain myself with nothing
20. The scary thing is, I can still be easily entertained
21. When my mom was pregnant, she asked me if i wanted a sister or a brother, I said a sister, but when Kali was little and she would make me mad, I would tell her that i should have asked for a brother
22. I make friends with guys very easily, girls are too catty for my liking, except for the rare few, and those few are my very best of friends
23. my favorite board game is Life, and I don't own it, nor have I ever owned it
24. I have all the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and Britney Spears CDs and still enjoy listening to them from time to time
25. I would much rather help my friends and complete strangers achieve their goals instead of reaching for my own, because I'm afraid I will just disappoint myself.

Empty MIND!!!

I want to be able to blog about things but not a whole lot has been happening.

I just got back from a handgun training course just outside of Las Vegas called Front Site. That was fun and very informative. We learned how to handle our guns, where to look when we are shooting, fix all types of malfunctions and how to remain safe while using our guns. No one got shot! Thank goodness. They also had lectures about constantly remaining alert and aware and how to talk when you have to use your gun for self defense in order to not be found guilty. It was overall a pretty good training. I hated being out in the sun for almost 8 hours straight....being a redhead, I try to avoid the sun like the plague.

The worst part was the 8 hour drive home while i was feeling SO sick! That was horrible!

Went back to work last night, wasn't too bad. We were super slow when I first got there and I was worried they were going to try to send me home early. Considering I had to ask for Mon-Wed off and Sun....I only work Friday and Saturday with a total of 8 hours for the week. I kinda needed to keep my hours. Luckily, it got a bit busier as the night went on. Wasn't too bad at all!

OK well I need to do something productive today....should i clean my room? My bathroom? do some more laundry? Or just procrastinate like I always do?

Until next time,
Rina

Echooo.....Echoooo

So i really don't think anyone really reads this. Which doesn't bother me very much because, well it's nice to know word won't get out to the people I actually talk about on here.

Work: I freaking hate my job! My boss is so bipolar psycho crazy bitch! She seriously verbally abuses us. I have heard from 3 different coworkers that she has told them on countless occasions "Don't go looking for another job because NO ONE will hire you". Honestly....who is she to say who will or won't get hired?! I think she should just keep her mouth shut and not worry about if they look for another job or not. She throws things when she is angry, she demands respect but doesn't dare dish it... She tells customers that I am good at everything I do but writes me up for something I wasn't guilty of and she wasn't even there to see... She mentions that many employees are talking about me. She claims she has known me since I turned 18 but in all honesty I don't think she has ever truly opened her eyes to see ME and how i react to things. First off don't yell at me....talk to me about something i need to change. Yelling at me makes me even more nervous and I make a whole lot more mistakes that I was making in the first place. Second off, praise me for what I have done and what I am doing. I am fully aware that you can't praise me for everything but I do EVERYTHING for Family Night....I have completely taken that load off your hands. and Third off...i don't react well to you telling me that my coworkers are complaining about me. It makes me more depressed and in a bad mood that my work ethics drop dramatically.

It's my Birthday and I'll cry if I want to.....

It is my FREAKING birthday....

All i feel like doing is crawling into bed and crying my eyes out.

I have never felt this alone before :-(

Boys are stupid!

Can I go back to bed now? I don't want to face this cruel world.

UGH....too sad to sign today.

Thoughts

I have so many thoughts and I need to get them down....but I have no down time till after work today....I WILL write them all down before I go to bed.

Day of Nothing

Today was the most uneventful day anyone could possibly have.

I wasn't scheduled to work. We had people coming from the church for some "meet and greet". So I woke up at 11am (after going to bed at nearly 4am) and wend downstairs. Dad had on some movie called "About a Boy" on. Some British film that had Hugh Grant. It was very interesting. I didn't get to see the whole thing because I was helping around with cleaning the kitchen. It definitely is a movie I am going to have to rent or get on Netflix. Seemed, insightful.

After helping out around the house and people began showing up, I went upstairs, put on some clothes since I was running around in my pajamas, and went down to get some food. We set out a bunch of finger foods. We had hummus, tortilla chips, a platter with salami and cheese, a platter of crackers, a platter with carrots and broccoli, some mini tacos that we put in the oven and meatballs in a cream sauce in the crock pot. Very tasty. After eating there really wasn't any need for me to be downstairs anymore so I went upstairs to read. Well apparently I was tired because I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep until I woke up at 7pm. I ended up sleeping for nearly 4 hours.

Since waking up I haven't really done anything. I played some Counter Strike, went to eat some salami, crackers and cheese and ate a couple cookies that Kali baked. I then came up, played some more Counter Strike and then watched the Suite Life of Zach and Cody: The Movie and then some Ghost Adventures. Now I am here recording the things of my uneventful day....I managed to make it look more interesting because it fit nicely in 2 paragraphs. I think I am going to play some more Counter Strike, watch some Shaytards on YouTube and then take a shower.

Have church in the morning!
Until tomorrow,
Rina

Just another day in....Where is this again?

I never even got the chance to write on here last night.

Every Thursday my church has College Group. We usually meet at 7pm, eat some food, play a game or 2 and then have Bible Study. We used to have close to 30 people coming to College Group and then drama happened and it tore up the group. We now only have about 8-10 who come on a regular basis. I wish I could say that I am one of those members who comes all the time, but I'm not. I don't enjoy the company of the immature new college freshman that go. I like to go when my best friend Crysta goes because then I have someone to talk to and sit with. Last night I managed to get my sister to go and then my friend Dustun wanted to go. I am not going to deprive someone of God so I gave him a ride.

After College Group I took Dustun home and Kali's friend Steven came over to watch a movie. Haha he wanted to watch House Bunny. So I watched it with them and then came upstairs...read and went to bed.

I have been thinking about Bryan more and more lately. I know I have dulled my thoughts and feelings about him but it's hard to push the love I have for him from my mind and my chest. I get so excited when I get to talk to him or get a text....i never thought I could love someone so long even after they rejected me and pushed me away and told me they didn't love me anymore. I don't think it helped talking to his best friend and having him say to me "You guys will get back together! It's predictable" :-/ Bryan flat out said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to just be friends. How on earth is that predictable? I didn't want to have hope of getting back together because if i get rejected again it'll hurt so bad. I don't think my heart can handle being rejected from the love of my life twice. I don't want to cry anymore. I love him so much...and I want the best for him but I can't let myself have hope....

Well, that is all i want to say tonight....
Until tomorrow,
Rina

FAILURE!

I wish that I could set a goal and stick to it for ONCE!! I wanted to be able to write in here each day and tell about what is going on in my life....so far....I have failed at this like I have failed at diary writing, numerous diets, various projects that had to be a day-by-day thing. I don't know why I get so discouraged and unmotivated. The one thing I am afraid of doing is something I seem to do on a regular basis without realizing it.

I am afraid of failure.

Good Job Sorina!! You manage to fail regularly....

I don't know what is wrong with me....the only thing i seem to stay motived with is going to school and even that is a pain sometimes....

I think a lot of my unhappiness comes with the job I have. I am sick and tired of being harassed by my boss and not getting some appreciation. She finds the littlest thing to start nagging you on and then she WON"T SHUT UP about it. She just keeps going and going...almost like she is pushing you to say or do something that can get you written up, suspended or fired. That isn't fair...

Ok well now that I have my laptop up and running again (adequately, not fast....but it'll do for now) I can sit in bed comfortably and watch my Shaytards on YouTube and blog!

This is short, I am currently on Spring Break so there isn't a lot going on other than my crappy job.
Until tomorrow (i hope)
~Rina

Calc 2 test

I have so many thoughts that I want to put down. I have been keeping notes about them in my phone as not to forget, I just want to clear my mind right now and study for my test. Mind clearing consists of Glee, reading and bundling up. Blogging all my thoughts is going to have to wait till tomorrow night. I have a ton to say, just don't have the time to say it now. I am a busy busy bee tomorrow. Calc test, babysitting, tutoring, cut stuff out for work, movie night with Crysta. My poor Crysta! She tore a tendon in her hip and is on crutches. So i am going to take care of her! More tomorrow night

<3 Sorina

Family is Important...today...tomorrow....always

I love my family members, but sometimes, they need to grow up and stop letting drama get in the way of loving each other.

I get to our little family reunion to find out that one of my aunts and one of my cousins are no longer speaking to each other. Honestly, the whole silent treatment is a little elementary in my opinion. I mean, yes, we all have tempers and we are all extremely stubborn but should we really let this get in the way of us loving each other and enjoying each others' presence? Apparently to that one cousin and that one aunt, it is something to let get in the way. I thought family is there for each other to love and accept, not slander one for looking too skinny and sick or to bash one another and then to delete and block each other on facebook. I seriously feel like all of this is blow WAY out of proportion and they all need to GROW UP and take responsibility for their actions and ther words and learn to say SORRY!

I haven't seen my family members since Thanksgiving because I was in Louisiana for Christmas when everyone was over. I was really looking forward to seeing my family, all my cousins and all, and getting time to visit with them and see how things are going. However, I find myself in the same situation as always, feeling like I don't belong. My cousin Elizabeth and I haven't ever really been close, she is 6 years older than me, so I completely understand why I'm not included in her conversations, but she has a one year old beauty named Brooklyn. Brooklyn is my cousin but I have only seen her in person twice since she was born. How can I call this little child a part of my family when I feel like she isn't? When I talk about her all I say is "My cousin's baby" I never say "my cousin". I feel as though this is because I don't really associate her in the same category as my cousin Elizabeth, her mother. Then there is Stefanie. She is a year older than me. We were really close when we were younger but as soon as she started middle school, she was more about the boys than spending time with me. She hangs a lot with her fiance and her sister and her brother in law as well as my cousin Leonard and his new girlfriend Jessica. They are such a tight knit group, i feel as though not only would I be imposing if I were to sit at their table with them, but I also would just be an awkward fit. My cousin Rebecca has her boyfriend Devin, who is beginning to grow on me though there is still just something about him that I'm not crazy for. Lina brought 2 of her friends, I don't think I really had the change to say much to her. Then there is Tatiana and Vienna, the babies of the first cousins. I got a chance to talk to them but I mean, they are 12 and 8. I need someone to spend time with in my family who is closer to my age. Around the time we ate, I felt a little better, but still outside the loop.

Even after my busy and tiring day along with the feel of isolation, it was a good day. Was nice to see my family and have some wonderful Romanian food and celebrate the fact that my family has been in the United States for 30 years now. God is amazing. If He didn't lead my Tatia (grandpa in Romanian) to move to the States, I would never have been born.

Thank you Lord for a strong, growing family.
~Sorina

Life in general...

I haven't been on here in a while and I feel terrible! I really should write on here more often in order to organize my thoughts and to get them out of my head or else they are just floating around in there and driving me CRAZY!!

Work:
Work is....well it's not going as smoothly as I want. Tired of my boss getting on my case and being totally mean about the things she says to me. When she gets mad about something, she starts bringing up things that you or other people have done in the past and I don't think that is fighting fairly. It definitely isn't fighting maturely. When you have not only the Assistant Manager but other coworkers claim they are scared of her, then you know there is a problem. I already left a store because of the way the manager treats her employees, I am to the point where i would go back to that old manager than to deal with the verbal abuse from the one I have now. She has known me since I was 18. She knows very well that yelling at me is NOT the way to get me to move. I am all for getting corrected, but not yelled at and blamed for things going on in the store that are out of my control. I just don't like how she gets in my face and just keeps laying it on and laying it on. She doesn't stop. Most people who have a problem with something you do gets it off their chest and then moves on, but she just KEEPS. GOING! She pushes me to almost breaking point. If i do break, there is no doubt my mouth would spew words out  so fast that I would be fired in the blink of an eye. I try to help ease her stress when she is in a bad mood but those attempts seem to go unnoticed.

School:
So far things are going great at school. I started on January 27th. I only have 3 classes, 6 units. I have Calculus 2, Calculus 2 Lab, and Symphony Band. After this semester I should be able to get back to a full time schedule and be well on my way to getting finished. I am looking at about 3 more years then one year to get my credential. I can't wait! I am ready to be a teacher! I am ready to get my career going and my life started.

Home:
Things at home are actually going quite well. Dad took Kali and me shooting last Friday. It was fun and it was nice to spend time with dad. We don't usually get to do that all too often. I got Koda declawed. It was hard to see him so sad to have the cone collar on, but now that it is off, he is so much more happier and relaxed. He can actually sleep comfortably and eat! He still walks funny, but I think that is because it feels funny. He will get more used to it as time goes on. Grandpa has been doing well. He will be 90 years old in less than 6 months. It's crazy! He has been blessed with such a long life and steady health so far. We ask that God allows him to be as healthy for longer. We are planning a trip to Disneyland for his 90th birthday with my family and my Aunt, Uncle and cousins. It's going to be fun! I can't wait. I haven't been to Disneyland since my senior year of high school.

Those are the 3 things that are carrying the most weight on my shoulders right now. Church is also a major aspect of my life but things really haven't changed there. I am still playing the flute for worship and I am still learning more about God's Glory and Mercy. As I have said in the past, I would really like to write on here more. I think getting back to the good part of my day, bad part of my day and how I overcame it is a good thing to start up again. It helped me to analyze the events that are going on in my life. I have a feeling there will be more about my boss and her abusive words towards me. I swear, she is going to force me to record everything she says to me if she keeps this up.

Until later,
Sorina