Happy F-in New Years!

It is currently 6:37am and I haven't slept a wink.

I lay down and the water works start. Why is it the moment we said goodbye and hung up the phone all the feelings that decided to stay hidden since coming home unveiled themselves all at once.

The only time I feel like myself is at work when I have no room to stop and think about anything other than what I am supposed to be doing.

I hate driving in the car. The radio, no matter what station I go on whether it be country, Christian, Alternative or ROCK, they all have a song that makes me cry. Crying and driving are not a good mixture. I don't want to turn off the radio and drive in silence because then the thoughts in my head will drive me insane!

I feel so empty, but I feel like I had to think about my future security.

I just hate that I feel like I lost people who meant so much to me. They offered me their hospitality and I practically spit in their faces. I wasn't a very considerate friend and I am having to pay the price.

I am starting to think that Stephen was right when he said I am worthless. I just keep hurting the people who mean the most to me and that I care for very much. I try to make people happy and it all comes crashing down. It all spins out of control so fast. I don't know how to stop it. I just freeze up and do nothing.

I am hoping I can sleep now. I doubt it though. Sleep is not something my mind wants me to do anytime soon.

Merry Christmas

Today was interesting. I officially hate Christmas on Sundays. We feel more rushed than usual because we had church during the time we usually have a big breakfast and open gifts. We usually are done with gift opening before 11am. We didn't get to the gifts till after noon today and we still have to get all the tables together and food made for when the family comes over in 2 hours! GAH! No breaks for me today!

I got a Kindle from "Santa". I will say that I am a little disappointed. I love books, but I never expressed an interest in a Kindle. I feel like Kindles and Nooks will be the downfall of paper books and publishing companies and I hate to think that. I did, however, express that I wanted a new stereo, one that could play my ipod as well as CDs and the radio. I didn't get that. Looks like I will be saving up the money to get it myself. I was actually hoping that I would get that this Christmas.

Now I feel like a spoiled brat. Ugh! OK well I need to go help the family with setting up and making the mashed potatoes.

Merry Christmas

Money is always needed

Around Christmas I always wish that I made more money, won the lottery, or just got more hours.

With the possibility of moving to Texas within the next few months, I am tripping out on not having things paid off and wanting to have enough money to move my things.

I have so many worries about moving to Texas.

1) What if Bryan and I can't find jobs in a timely manner? Ashely and Chuck will soon be sick of us and I don't want to feel like I am leeching off their good graces.I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of their hospitality.

2) I have never lived on my own or had to pay to live before. I know I have to learn sometime but I always imagined living in the same city as my parents so that if anything happened and I couldn't pay, I would have somewhere to run. If i move, this will no longer be the case. I know Bryan will be there to help pay, but still, it's a scary thought.

3) I know that I have other friends in the area but they are all married. Ashley and Chuck are wanting to start a family soon. I just feel like I am so behind with all my friends.

4) What if Bryan and I don't work out? I am thinking that when i get there and get a job, I will have a savings account for if anything happens, I will have money to move back, or on my own. I know Bryan said he will help me IF, by some chance, we DO break up, but I don't want to rely on him for much after a break up. :-( I think it would be too painful

5) number 4 scares the stuff out of me. I don't want to go out there only to break up. :-(

Still have to talk to Grandpa. Then we have to have a big family meeting before anything is confirmed on if I am going or not. My parents and my grandpa are very wise people and I like to hear what they have to say. They love me and they only want what is best for me. But I do need to point out that Bryan has pursued me, not the other way around. I have been very cautious in everything i do and say towards him.

I am hoping that my cautiousness will disappear when I see him. I hope that everything will be alright once I am in his arms again. But for now, I am very numb to my feelings. Before the break up I would have done anything for him. I was head over heels for him. And it took me MONTHS to veil those feelings after the break up. I tell him I love him because there is no doubt that I love him. That veil have made those feelings so shallow and I hope that seeing him again will make them undeniably deep and I can love him the same way I loved him before.

I am wide awake and it's 4:30am. I had to write something down to get it out of my mind. Alright, time to get back to my book. It is December 12th and I have to read 5 books before the 31st in order to reach my goal! I can do this. I need to focus!

Hopefully again soon,
Rina