Money is always needed

Around Christmas I always wish that I made more money, won the lottery, or just got more hours.

With the possibility of moving to Texas within the next few months, I am tripping out on not having things paid off and wanting to have enough money to move my things.

I have so many worries about moving to Texas.

1) What if Bryan and I can't find jobs in a timely manner? Ashely and Chuck will soon be sick of us and I don't want to feel like I am leeching off their good graces.I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of their hospitality.

2) I have never lived on my own or had to pay to live before. I know I have to learn sometime but I always imagined living in the same city as my parents so that if anything happened and I couldn't pay, I would have somewhere to run. If i move, this will no longer be the case. I know Bryan will be there to help pay, but still, it's a scary thought.

3) I know that I have other friends in the area but they are all married. Ashley and Chuck are wanting to start a family soon. I just feel like I am so behind with all my friends.

4) What if Bryan and I don't work out? I am thinking that when i get there and get a job, I will have a savings account for if anything happens, I will have money to move back, or on my own. I know Bryan said he will help me IF, by some chance, we DO break up, but I don't want to rely on him for much after a break up. :-( I think it would be too painful

5) number 4 scares the stuff out of me. I don't want to go out there only to break up. :-(

Still have to talk to Grandpa. Then we have to have a big family meeting before anything is confirmed on if I am going or not. My parents and my grandpa are very wise people and I like to hear what they have to say. They love me and they only want what is best for me. But I do need to point out that Bryan has pursued me, not the other way around. I have been very cautious in everything i do and say towards him.

I am hoping that my cautiousness will disappear when I see him. I hope that everything will be alright once I am in his arms again. But for now, I am very numb to my feelings. Before the break up I would have done anything for him. I was head over heels for him. And it took me MONTHS to veil those feelings after the break up. I tell him I love him because there is no doubt that I love him. That veil have made those feelings so shallow and I hope that seeing him again will make them undeniably deep and I can love him the same way I loved him before.

I am wide awake and it's 4:30am. I had to write something down to get it out of my mind. Alright, time to get back to my book. It is December 12th and I have to read 5 books before the 31st in order to reach my goal! I can do this. I need to focus!

Hopefully again soon,
Rina

A turn for the Good? or undecided?

Wow. A lot has happened in the last couple days. Well, Bryan messaged me on Monday saying that he had a bad dream. I asked him about it and he said that he dreamed that he and I were living together and I came home late one night drunk saying that I was horny because I had been fooling around with one of my guy friends. I asked him if he was feeling like he was losing me and that sparked a whole conversation. He mentioned that he never wanted to break up but felt that that is what he had to do to get me out of my childish mentality. There was more to it but I would like to keep that between us. Needless to say he had told a female coworker that I used to be puddy in his hands, head over heels for him and he just threw me out like yesterday's trash. Then he asked what he could do make me come back around since he has me by a tearing thread. I thought that was unlike him to say such things considering he doesn't like to talk about how he feels. But kinda sweet in a weird way.

He has been trying. I told him I need to see the effort and that he REALLY wants to be back with me. He told me he loves me for the first time yesterday since I left in January. I held off saying it to him till the evening. I do love him, but with the things he said to me and did to me I am not sure if I should be upset or not. When I said I didn't want to get hurt again he said we can just leave it open, he will visit me, and I will visit him and we will see where it goes.

I am scared. I want to be back with him but he is SO STUBBORN. He doesn't realize that there are times when all i want to do is spend time with him. He talks about not watching chick flicks with me and all that stuff. I donno. I am holding him at an arms distance right now. I really have to better myself before I worry about another person again. I am glad that he is giving me the space to make the decision as well as see where things go. This isn't the first time he has done this. His patience in that area amazes me.

Needless to say, I feel confused at times and have been a mix of emotions lately. I have been feeling like I was lied to and wanted to cry to extremely happy and giddy. I can definitely tell that my feelings for him are not gone. They have dampened a bit and he needs to work to dry them. But it feels so good to hear the words "I love you" come from his mouth again.

Ok well I am going to watch some Shaytards and then head to bed.
Good night

Discouraged

Last week I was crazy busy along with getting very little sleep but I needed to get at least 2 workouts in a week. There wasn't Bootcamp so Kali and I had to join the Cross Fit class of that morning. The instructor ended up changing the workout for us because we were bootcampers and wanted us to do as many as we could in a certain amount of time. I did 3 rounds and then when he said we had 5 minutes left I went to him and said I was going to stop at 3 because of being exhausted. He seemed to get really upset that I was going to stop. As it is I am still sore from Saturday's workout.

I went to talk to the owner's wife today in order to get my measurements and she said she had to talk to me about Saturday. Apparently "people overheard" me tell him I was going to stop. He was right in front of me and Kali was the only one near me AND the music was blaring. So no, i don't think anyone else heard, I think he just ran his mouth or over-exaggerated. She said that to just give up and tell the instructor you were going to stop was extremely disrespectful. Then she said that since they are a tight-knitted group, things get around. So all i'm hearing is 1) The instructor doesn't like me and thinks that i was deliberately disrespecting him and 2) people who DON"T EVEN KNOW ME are talking badly about me.

This is the WORST way to get me motivated. This is the WORST WAY to make me want to continue working out there. As it is I have vowed to never go and work out there on a Saturday with that instructor ever again. I can't believe this.

Not only that but I got my measurements today and she didn't even seem proud of me. All she talked about was things I need to change :-( What the hell?! I know she is there to help me but at least tell me that I am doing a good job! Apparently I have to change my diet again and have LESS carbs! UGH! It's so hard to make food and take it with me on certain days....I don't know what to do.

I feel extremely discouraged and enraged and all I want to do is go cry in bed. I don't know what to do...

Ok seriously

School just started and I feel like I don't even have time to just BREATHE! Here is my schedule

Monday- Wake up 4:30am, workout 5:30-6:30am, come home, shower, make breakfast, get food together for the day, get dressed, gather things for school, go to school 11-3pm, drive home, eat something, lay down for an hour, get up and go to work 6-close, come home and crash in my bed

Tuesday- Wake at 7:30am, get ready, go to school, at school till 3pm, get home to quickly grab all my stuff for work, work 4:30-8:30pm but they usually have me stay later, come home, get some reading in, check email, get food, crash in my bed.

Wednesday is similar to Monday's schedule but I actually have the day off in order to rest up and get homework done. I would have done homework last night but it was Jessica's last night in the United States cuz she leaves today to go back to Sweden. I had to visit with her!

Today is like Tuesday but I don't have to go straight to work. I don't have to work till 6:15 but I still close.

Friday is like Monday except this Friday I am leaving super early in the morning with my dad to go fishing in Monterey! I am super excited! I haven't gotten to spend time with just dad since October of last year! It's going to be a nice Daddy/Daughter Day! Yay!

Then Saturday the whole family is coming over for a BBQ and swimming. My Oakdale friends are coming over to visit, grub and jump in! I can't wait. This is going to be the first time we have all REALLY gotten to hang out in almost 2 years!! I can't wait.

I have church on Sunday and I close. Closing is going to suck SO bad on Sunday because EVERYONE is off on Monday. Luckily I get to sleep in on Monday so it won't feel as bad but I will still have to work that evening. UGH!

I wanted to write about everything going on with my workout but I never have the time. I can say that I am officially fitting in my size 24 pants! YAY! People keep saying that my face looks slimmer and I look like i have lost weight. I am going to post some pictures!!


This is me and Mom on Friday July 29th. Look at my face.


This is me after 3 weeks of Crossfit! I took this Tuesday August 23!


I just love this picture. My face looks like it is slimming down!!

I know i haven't typed about my workouts but I would say these pictures are evidence that something is working :-)

Until i have a brief moment to type again
Rina

Days are slipping past

My days are all blurred together! It's been hard to get a chance to sit down and write when I have been so exhausted from working out and then work this weekend. I am hoping I will get a chance to write tonight....if not, then tomorrow.

Day one of Bootcamp

So Crysta didn't wake up in time for us to go to Crossfit on Monday so we ended up going this morning.

Started out with Tebata warm ups which is 6 rounds of doing a certain workout for 30 seconds with a 10 second rest between each round. WE did sit ups, lunges, squats, and push ups. Then we did at your own pace for 15 minutes 15 SDHP, which is where you pick up a kettlebell from the ground with both hands stand up straight, bring it to your chest and then bring it back to the ground. Works the arms as well as the hip muscles. Then 20 Kettle Bell swings which is where you hold the kettle bell with both hands between your legs and swing it high above your head and then bring it back down. 25 box jumps, since i can't do box jumps just yet, I did step ups. And then 30 punches on the punching bag.

I got through one round fine, second round I took a couple breathers and then my last round was the hardest. I was having trouble breathing and i felt like I was going to be sick. I didn't want to end with not finishing the round i started. So Crysta grabbed her kettle bell and worked through the last round with me. Another lady who was in the class with us, Sonja, stood next to me encouraging me to push it to the end. I ended up only doing 10 step ups on the box instead of 25 on the last round but i completed the 3rd round. I was tired and shaky but it felt so good to finish up.

It means so much to me that Crysta and a lady I didn't even know would stay next to me when they could be cleaning up and putting things away in order to help me push through my last round. It felt good to know that no matter how much I struggle through this journey to fitness, and there will be loads of struggles, I will have at least one person by my side to help push me through it and not abandon me. It meant so much that Crysta would finish with me even though she had already finished her round. It's nice to know someone believes in me even when I am too tired to continue believing in myself. <3

Another workout in the morning! This is going to be interesting!

Tomorrow turns over a new leaf

Tomorrow begins my new journey to fitness! I am both excited and scared. I don't know what to think. I know that this is going to push me in order to maintain a schedule and to keep me motivated, but it's going to be hard work and I'm not talking "Marching Band" hard...but I mean, I was able to handle Marching Band for 4 years, I think i can handle this.

I haven't been eating super healthy this weekend. Mom and Dad have been away so Kali and I have been making simple, unhealthy meals.

I have a meeting with one of the trainers on Wednesday to figure out portion sizes and what foods i can eat and what I have to lay off. Excited and nervous again...i like to eat...that is why i look the way I do...so it's time to change my likes.

Anyways I am looking at the time and it's 10pm,  i have to be up at 4:45am. It's time to get off here and head to bed! Time to get my workout on in the morning!!!

Until tomorrow after my workout!
Sorina