Money is always needed

Around Christmas I always wish that I made more money, won the lottery, or just got more hours.

With the possibility of moving to Texas within the next few months, I am tripping out on not having things paid off and wanting to have enough money to move my things.

I have so many worries about moving to Texas.

1) What if Bryan and I can't find jobs in a timely manner? Ashely and Chuck will soon be sick of us and I don't want to feel like I am leeching off their good graces.I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of their hospitality.

2) I have never lived on my own or had to pay to live before. I know I have to learn sometime but I always imagined living in the same city as my parents so that if anything happened and I couldn't pay, I would have somewhere to run. If i move, this will no longer be the case. I know Bryan will be there to help pay, but still, it's a scary thought.

3) I know that I have other friends in the area but they are all married. Ashley and Chuck are wanting to start a family soon. I just feel like I am so behind with all my friends.

4) What if Bryan and I don't work out? I am thinking that when i get there and get a job, I will have a savings account for if anything happens, I will have money to move back, or on my own. I know Bryan said he will help me IF, by some chance, we DO break up, but I don't want to rely on him for much after a break up. :-( I think it would be too painful

5) number 4 scares the stuff out of me. I don't want to go out there only to break up. :-(

Still have to talk to Grandpa. Then we have to have a big family meeting before anything is confirmed on if I am going or not. My parents and my grandpa are very wise people and I like to hear what they have to say. They love me and they only want what is best for me. But I do need to point out that Bryan has pursued me, not the other way around. I have been very cautious in everything i do and say towards him.

I am hoping that my cautiousness will disappear when I see him. I hope that everything will be alright once I am in his arms again. But for now, I am very numb to my feelings. Before the break up I would have done anything for him. I was head over heels for him. And it took me MONTHS to veil those feelings after the break up. I tell him I love him because there is no doubt that I love him. That veil have made those feelings so shallow and I hope that seeing him again will make them undeniably deep and I can love him the same way I loved him before.

I am wide awake and it's 4:30am. I had to write something down to get it out of my mind. Alright, time to get back to my book. It is December 12th and I have to read 5 books before the 31st in order to reach my goal! I can do this. I need to focus!

Hopefully again soon,
Rina