"I can be so negative sometimes..."

Today was a low point.

I recently got hired at the new In N Out that will be opening in August. I have been super thankful and appreciative of the kindness of my new manager.

My biggest concern is the uniforms. I fear that I might be too big for the uniforms that they provide. My manager said that we would figure it out. I went to the existing store to check out the sizes of their things. The biggest pant size they have is a 40 for males. Yeah, I have been losing weight but I am NO WHERE near that size. So they let me take home a pair with me so that I can go to other stores and see if I can find some in my size. Mom and I went to this store called Work World and the only white pants they had were Dickies and the biggest size they carried was a 46 waist.

We got into the car and I was already in tears. As soon as we got home, I ran upstairs to the computer and was trying to find white work pants that will fit me. The more I looked, the more I got discouraged. As I was googling white work pants, I sat here with tears dripping down my face. I had posted on facebook my concern about trying to find white pants. I had multiple people helping me to look. When i finally gave up and went to go eat, Crysta texted me to go look at the Dickies website again. So after dinner I got back on the computer and went straight to the Dickies webpage. I clicked on mens and they had a big and tall section. In there I found white pants that should fit me!!! I will have to hem them but they should work.

Mom said to wait till tomorrow to try a couple uniform places around here and then get a hold of my manager and ask if I should get them, or if I should have the company buy them, or if I should get them and get reimbursed.

I am just thankful I found something that will fit. Now All i have to worry about is the shirt! Things will work out. God has been helping me this far.

I just have to make sure that I keep losing so that I can change pant sizes :-)

Song that I dedicated to those who have helped me today:

"I can be so negative sometimes
My own worst enemy sometimes
Even at my lowest low, you still had hope,
When I wanna quit, you won't let me
When I'm falling down, you gon'catch me,
You pick me up, yeah, you fix me up
Now I'm on my way and I'm strong enough to say
You gave me wings, and thaught me to fly
When I was out there on my own,
You gave me wings and brought me to life" 

(Wings by Cimorelli)

 

Shiver

Again I wait forever to write again. It is something I truly do love to do, when I get around to it. It is not something that I do enough.

I have been reading this book called Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater.

This book is about werewolves, but there is a twist. They aren't monsters. They just turn into real wolves. They only turn when the weather begins to get cold. After a while, the time they spend as human gets less and less and the time they are a wolf is more. Sam has been trying to hold on to his humanity and the way he has been doing that is he has fallen in love this this girl, Grace who was attacked and bitten when she was younger. She is the only person who has been bitten but hasn't changed.

Reading about the way they are with one another and the love that they show for one another bring back both memories and longing. It brings back memories of the way Bryan and I were. I mean we weren't always that touchy-feely, but when we were, it was so nice.

The longing I get is when I start to wish for someone who loved me so much that they wanted to be contact with me. Like if we were to go shopping, they want to hold my hand or put their arm around me. Almost in a "She's mine" kind of way.

Basically I want to feel wanted. I want to feel special to someone. I want to make someone feel special. I want to be able to be that kind "queen" to my "king". I want someone to protect and to hold. Someone I can love and spend time with. Someone that I can talk to about anything and everything and they will listen and tell me all their thoughts and secrets too.

I know God has someone out there. I guess I am just being impatient because we humans are social creatures. We like companionship.

I just feel like my companion-ship has sailed.

Haha cheesy, yeah, but I am tired and want to write something to get my thoughts down.

Until next time,
Rina

Someone Special :-)

I have never met someone like you who makes me forget all of the bad things and the hectic happenings of life. I am so completely absorbed in just being with you and enjoying my time with you and the laughter with you that when we have to say goodbye, even knowing that I will see you again soon, leaves me feeling empty and lost and confused and wanting more time with you. Even though the goodbyes make me sad, I look forward to the hellos very much

Thinking of you

I am thinking of you today. Its taking everything not to text you. But I said I wouldn't and I need to honor that. And like I said, when I want to get ahold of you, I will just blog. That way I feel like I am getting the things I want to say to you off my chest.

You are moving today. I am hoping you have help with moving your things into the truck. I hope you are safe and careful. I have no possible way of knowing if you are ok. That bothers me the most. But I said I wouldn't message people. So I am not. Ugh. I think about you the most at night. When we used to talk. Now all i hear is silence.

Did you know silence is maddening? I know you enjoyed it sometimes, but when a person most needs to have the comfort of another voice, the silence is painful and mind-wrecking. Did you also know that a person's mind is more cruel and abusive to a person than any other being could possibly be? I can understand how some people go mad and want to commit suicide. I am not saying I am going to. I like living too much. I just hate that we can't communicate.

I know, I know, I brought this on myself.
I miss you.
I love you.

Happy F-in New Years!

It is currently 6:37am and I haven't slept a wink.

I lay down and the water works start. Why is it the moment we said goodbye and hung up the phone all the feelings that decided to stay hidden since coming home unveiled themselves all at once.

The only time I feel like myself is at work when I have no room to stop and think about anything other than what I am supposed to be doing.

I hate driving in the car. The radio, no matter what station I go on whether it be country, Christian, Alternative or ROCK, they all have a song that makes me cry. Crying and driving are not a good mixture. I don't want to turn off the radio and drive in silence because then the thoughts in my head will drive me insane!

I feel so empty, but I feel like I had to think about my future security.

I just hate that I feel like I lost people who meant so much to me. They offered me their hospitality and I practically spit in their faces. I wasn't a very considerate friend and I am having to pay the price.

I am starting to think that Stephen was right when he said I am worthless. I just keep hurting the people who mean the most to me and that I care for very much. I try to make people happy and it all comes crashing down. It all spins out of control so fast. I don't know how to stop it. I just freeze up and do nothing.

I am hoping I can sleep now. I doubt it though. Sleep is not something my mind wants me to do anytime soon.

Merry Christmas

Today was interesting. I officially hate Christmas on Sundays. We feel more rushed than usual because we had church during the time we usually have a big breakfast and open gifts. We usually are done with gift opening before 11am. We didn't get to the gifts till after noon today and we still have to get all the tables together and food made for when the family comes over in 2 hours! GAH! No breaks for me today!

I got a Kindle from "Santa". I will say that I am a little disappointed. I love books, but I never expressed an interest in a Kindle. I feel like Kindles and Nooks will be the downfall of paper books and publishing companies and I hate to think that. I did, however, express that I wanted a new stereo, one that could play my ipod as well as CDs and the radio. I didn't get that. Looks like I will be saving up the money to get it myself. I was actually hoping that I would get that this Christmas.

Now I feel like a spoiled brat. Ugh! OK well I need to go help the family with setting up and making the mashed potatoes.

Merry Christmas

Money is always needed

Around Christmas I always wish that I made more money, won the lottery, or just got more hours.

With the possibility of moving to Texas within the next few months, I am tripping out on not having things paid off and wanting to have enough money to move my things.

I have so many worries about moving to Texas.

1) What if Bryan and I can't find jobs in a timely manner? Ashely and Chuck will soon be sick of us and I don't want to feel like I am leeching off their good graces.I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of their hospitality.

2) I have never lived on my own or had to pay to live before. I know I have to learn sometime but I always imagined living in the same city as my parents so that if anything happened and I couldn't pay, I would have somewhere to run. If i move, this will no longer be the case. I know Bryan will be there to help pay, but still, it's a scary thought.

3) I know that I have other friends in the area but they are all married. Ashley and Chuck are wanting to start a family soon. I just feel like I am so behind with all my friends.

4) What if Bryan and I don't work out? I am thinking that when i get there and get a job, I will have a savings account for if anything happens, I will have money to move back, or on my own. I know Bryan said he will help me IF, by some chance, we DO break up, but I don't want to rely on him for much after a break up. :-( I think it would be too painful

5) number 4 scares the stuff out of me. I don't want to go out there only to break up. :-(

Still have to talk to Grandpa. Then we have to have a big family meeting before anything is confirmed on if I am going or not. My parents and my grandpa are very wise people and I like to hear what they have to say. They love me and they only want what is best for me. But I do need to point out that Bryan has pursued me, not the other way around. I have been very cautious in everything i do and say towards him.

I am hoping that my cautiousness will disappear when I see him. I hope that everything will be alright once I am in his arms again. But for now, I am very numb to my feelings. Before the break up I would have done anything for him. I was head over heels for him. And it took me MONTHS to veil those feelings after the break up. I tell him I love him because there is no doubt that I love him. That veil have made those feelings so shallow and I hope that seeing him again will make them undeniably deep and I can love him the same way I loved him before.

I am wide awake and it's 4:30am. I had to write something down to get it out of my mind. Alright, time to get back to my book. It is December 12th and I have to read 5 books before the 31st in order to reach my goal! I can do this. I need to focus!

Hopefully again soon,
Rina